Tell Me When. Give Me an Instance.

While Watching King of Kong...

2010-01-13T14:03:00.000-08:00

Morgan: You would never let me do something that stupid.

Me: If something is really your dream, I'll support it. I may not understand, but I'll be behind you.

Morgan: My dream is to do two chicks at once. I don't need your understanding.

During an experience we dread...

2009-06-03T16:39:00.000-07:00

Liz: Sometimes life give you lemons. And you suck on the lemons, and it tastes terrible.

Discussing the possibility of a new roomie...

2008-06-23T11:31:00.000-07:00

Rachel: How would you feel about her staying with us for a while?

Morgan (sternly): I can NOT support you both financially. I will do the best I can emotionally.
And I think you know that I am more than equipped sexually.

While Chopping Produce...

2008-06-23T11:24:00.000-07:00

Morgan: If I was a pimp, I would insist on being called a sexecutive. I don't want the job;
not worth the hassle. Every decision has to be run through a board of directors for thier
ho-pinion.

Examining the Pantry...

2008-04-30T14:27:00.000-07:00

Morgan: Pretzels are the dry hump of the snack world.

While Watching Sunday Night Football...

2007-10-15T09:36:00.000-07:00

Liz: Ugh. Blah blah blah, FOOTBALL.

Casey: I'm going to sit out here on Thursday night and say "Blah blah blah SECRET PAIN."

While discussing how Rachel had grown as a person...

2007-10-04T16:19:00.000-07:00

Halie: That really changed when you started dating Morgan. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say you looked at him and said "Morgan can fill up all my holes", but you really started to...

On the high seas...

2007-10-02T12:49:00.000-07:00

Rachel: You are so sweet.

Morgan: Don't judge me by how I am, judge me by how I mean to be.

Rachel: But the way you are is so good!

Morgan: Naturally. But the way I mean to be is truly phenomenal.

Late night, on the porch...

2007-09-11T09:39:00.000-07:00

Morgan: I wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow. It is my fondest wish. My second fondest wish is to not have to get up early to go to the dentist. My third fondest wish is xray vision...no, thermovision. No, xray vision. No, thermovision. No, hypnovision. My third fondest wish is to have hypnovision. Absolutely. No, xray...no, hypno. Definitely hpnovision.

Housework...

2007-09-05T12:20:00.000-07:00

Morgan (his hands full): Will you grab the glass recycling and put it away?

Rachel: I don't know where it goes, and I don't care to know.

Morgan: Thanks, princess.

Rachel: Come on, I help in other ways.

Morgan: Such as? Kniting tiny sweaters for the fruit flies that have colonized our kitchen?

While cuddled up in bed...

2007-09-05T12:19:00.000-07:00

Rachel: Who do you love?

Morgan: Don Knotts. But he's dead, so...Rachel.

After I was seen doing a dance in the hallway at work...

2007-08-23T15:22:00.000-07:00

Rachel: I was just celebrating.

Sizzle: Because you had a cigarette?

Rachel: No, I'm just happy.

Sizzle: Oh. Gross.

While disagreeing...

2007-08-20T13:34:00.000-07:00

Rachel: Don't say that if you're kidding. That's serious.

Morgan: I'm not kidding, I'm mocking. You.

As I started to cry...

2007-08-20T13:33:00.000-07:00

Morgan: I can't stand to see your face like that. I'm going to buy you a burka.

At the same party...

2007-08-16T16:19:00.000-07:00

Ian: There is absolutely no butt stuff. I'm firm on that.

Liz: I don't know...you shouldn't rule anything out. It's important to keep your options open.

Ian (with extreme drunkeness, having trouble standing): What are you trying to do? Fucking ruin yourself in the eyes of Ian? Girls who do butt stuff are sluts.

Why say "hello" when instead, in front of Casey, you could greet me with...

2007-08-16T16:18:00.000-07:00

Ian: Where's Liz? Can I fuck her?

When somebody does something she doesn't like...

2007-08-16T16:16:00.000-07:00

Sizzle Says (sternly, eyebrows raised): That's not very sexy. You're not being sexy right now.

While discussing manhood...

2007-08-16T16:13:00.001-07:00

Beeker: I like to wear lace panties because they make my junk look pretty.

On Her Latest Love...

2007-08-15T08:40:00.001-07:00

Halie: His eyes actually twinkle. They twinkle like diamonds that spin.

Discussing a Petty Feud...

2007-08-15T08:39:00.000-07:00

Liz: Oh, we know where this road leads. Shampoo peeing and pie licking.

After finally, finally agreeing to watch Grey's Anatomy...

2007-08-08T09:42:00.000-07:00

Liz (excitedly): Oh, now I see. It's all very sexy.

On Seeing a Large Brick Colonial with Columns...

2007-08-07T11:15:00.000-07:00

Morgan: That's where the "massah" lives. Oh, wait. A steeple. Nevermind, that's where god lives.

Two Years Ago, re/ His New Girlfriend...

2007-07-24T18:55:00.000-07:00

Clayton: You know what I love about her? She's nothing like the three of you.

Back at the BGC, circa early '00s

2007-07-24T16:33:00.000-07:00

After I admonished a group of boys to quiet down and pay attention...

Miles (age 5): Awe, c'mon Rachel. We're just being dudes together.

While trying to get a lovely young lady to go to school...

LeLe: I can not go to school today. One of my kidneys has swtiched places with the other.

While Watching "No Reservations" Last Night

2007-07-24T08:47:00.001-07:00

Image on TV: The Kremlin draped in an AmEx ad.

Morgan: We won! Take that bitches!

While Getting Dressed for an Auction...

2007-07-24T08:44:00.001-07:00

Rachel: I think this dress shows way too much cleavage. Maybe I should wear a wrap or something.

John: No! Show boobs!

Rachel: I'm like your sister, John. Why would you want to see my boobs?

John: (bellowing from another room) Boobs is boobs!

At a Party, Late One Night...

2007-07-24T08:43:00.000-07:00

Boy: (flirty) So, it sounds like you love coffee. Do you have any plans for coffee tomorrow?

Halie: (oblivious) Sure. I always have plans for coffee.

While Driving to Brunch Yesterday

2007-07-23T14:22:00.001-07:00

Rachel: So, are you really, truly ready to quit smoking when you finish school?

Morgan: I have to. High quality jizz is essential for breeding an elite fighting force.

About Four Years Ago

2007-07-23T14:14:00.001-07:00

While arguing over M doing something with his family he wasn't going to enjoy on a beautiful Saturday:

Rachel: (huffily) Well, I didn't know you were such a big baby.

Morgan: (more huffily) Yes you did.

During Dinner a Few Weeks Ago

2007-07-22T22:42:00.001-07:00

Raylo: I wish Morgan and Casey would fall in love and get married. Then I could realize my
dream of creating Morgan Borgen.

Casey: (with anger in his voice) What makes you think Morgan would change his name? I
think it's clear that I would be the bottom in that relationship.